11:54pm

[Listening “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Lauren Hill]

Stuck at home at 5 minutes before midnight. What’s tomorrow? Saturday the 6th. May 6th… What was I doing May 6th of last year?

Yeah… I need a beer.

1:06am

[“Free” by Sarah Brightman]

Just updated my About Me page. I decided to take out a big portion of that page, and rewrite my bio to reflect my thoughts about myself at the concurrent moment.

I like this password protect entry option. I should have found WordPress in 2004 – it would have made access to the news and forum much more convenient for the NexusColony.com editors. Oh well, just like nearly everything in the past, I never would have known really. However, I think I did stumble on WordPress back then, it’s just I didn’t get to use it. I thought CuteNews was good enough – more flexible. I didn’t like using a template system, and rather use a totally customized UI. CuteNews allowed me to plug PHP includes into the HTML (PHP ext) code. Whatever…

Yesterday (May 4th), I didn’t go to Cygnie’s house. Instead, Patrick called me around 8pm, talked for a bit, then I went over to his place. Unfortunately, Flora couldn’t make it out with us. Rather, it’s not that she couldn’t, it was because it would have taken her “at least 30 minutes to get ready”. I raised my brow when Patrick told me. I was like, “30 minutes to do what?”

Pat made a face and said, “She said it will take at least 30 minutes to get ready. So I guessed it would probably take more than 30 minutes.”

I shook my head and said something like, “Why? I mean, she’s going out on a Thursday night with you whom she… And me, and we will be staying inside Richmond. I mean, Thursday night – who’s going to see her?”

Pat made a joke – the same dry ones I seemed to laugh like a maniac over, and I continued, “I’m sure she’s yummilicious and all, but it’s just us!” [laughs]

Anyway, seems like there are quite a few good looking girls out there that do this sort of thing. I won’t name them fearing I might get a bombardment of make-up and hair products thrown my way next time I see those girls, but I have to say, “Yes, it’s nice, but all the freakin time? Laundry mat – make up. Going to corner store – make up. Take out the garbage [laughs] – make up. [ahem]

Well, who am I to ‘complain’. I like it. Hahahaha….. 8]

Right.

[“A Whiter Shade Of Pale” by Sarah Brightman]

I thought of many things in the past month. I tried to think less of it in the last 3 weeks. A confession… I started my weight training and cycling program on April 15th, 2006. That was also the same night I was invited to Francis’ dinner.

[“Misere Mei” by Sarah Brightman]

I did the unthinkable! Went downstairs and opened up one of the mini-bottles of Rodnik Vodka. I needed alcohol. I didn’t get to drink any last night with Pat. Ended up at Rose Cafe, had a snack, banana milk, and a hot chocolate.

No, I am not an alcoholic.

Anyway, so I went to Francis’ dinner thingy April 15th, evening with Pat and his dad. We had a good time there. I also played a round of Texas Holdem. It was the five of us. Back in December 2005, I watched Cindy and her friends played and told her that I didn’t know how to play TH. Yeah, so what? I lied. At Francis’, it was a super quick game. 30 minutes, probably less. Edward loss very quickly, Dick lost second, and Pat lose third round. It was Francis and I. I had the largest pot. He beat me the first time, and I knew if he bets all, I would have no choice than to bet my all as well. I also didn’t want to drag the game on. I was already drunk. Cards open, and he had a pair of something higher than mine. I think he had a pair of queens while I had a pair of eights. I grinned and handed him his chips.

Beginner’s luck? Hardly. I promised someone close to me in the far past never to gamble again. Heck, I remember the dollar per ball billiards games I had with Jon. Haha, racked up to a few grand at one point. I feel stupid really. I just wanted to be the better half of myself.

Yes, I know I am ‘in control’ of my own destiny – per se, just bare with me okay? Alas, the darker side of me wants to be out. I am at the fork in the road now. I will still continue to be a better son to my parents, and a better brother to my brothers and sisters, and a better partner to my ‘bosses’.

[“So Many Things” by Sarah Brightman]

However, a couple of nights ago, I said to myself that I cannot go back to what I did before. I believe I cannot do the same things for another female the things I did for Cindy. Myself, I will change, upgrade to be better at everything, to do more, and to enlighten my soul, and challenge my being. However, I do not believe I can do any of that for anyone else.

It truly was the best things for the wrong person. If it indeed was a test, I think the test have made me ‘different’. The frailty of relationships – I can see it now. It truly is. I cannot believe in another person to trust her with my heart. No, I will not turn into a Leo Chiang – I don’t have the looks, nor the foolhardiness, and the irresponsibility.

So what will I turn into?

I watched Conspiracy Theory earlier tonight, and thought that I cannot live like how Mel lived in that movie, at age 40+, alone, in a claustrophobic apartment, with posters and newspapers on his walls, locked fridge, and typed paper everywhere.

I’m 27 right now, and I hope that Razor Technology’s FTX will be successful. I hope that Ray will be able to find VC, and I hope we – Jason, Ray, Benny, and I will be able to work on FTX and all the other products on our agenda. I want to make money from that, I want to live off of that. I just want to see it across the globe. I want my designed UI to show up everywhere, and I want the entire project to be successful. It IS a lot of work, and it will be even more work, but if we get VC, and FTX generates generous revenue, then everything will be worth it. I don’t want more broken ‘promises’. I just want to be free.

So Cindy…

I think about her every day, a few times a day, but only short bursts – most of it anger and vengeful fantasies, others about past memories… It makes me sad, I am here in this room alone, typing these things out, while she’s out there… It makes me sad that I feel negatively towards her. It makes me feel vulnerable that at any point in the future, if I ever gain power and influence, I will have the tendency to ruin her life and that of her lover’s. I have some of that power now. It’s all about having the right networks and intelligence gathering systems.

However, will I do it? Will I ever do it? Should I do it?

Yesterday, I went to Spikeshumor.com and saw a video clip of some guy who got dumped by his ex for another guy, and his revenge was to expose her naked pictures and home-made porn on the net. I shook my head and thought, “How immature and petty.”

Yeah, I have about a gig of Cindy’s videos of her fucking, riding, and sucking my cock, but I ain’t gonna upload them on the web! No. I’m not like that at all. They were memories that we shared together in the ‘privacy’ of our own bedrooms, and other places… 8] [ponders]

Unfortunately, I’ve had quite a few dreams about Cindy in the last week. I usually record the dreams I remember into my private journals, but I made it a point to never record a single dream about Cindy since we broke up.

I try to keep my thoughts of her short, as short as possible. Sometimes, it lasts up to 5 or so minutes, but rarely. Mostly, it lasts about 10 seconds or so, and I mentally tell myself to shut up.

Yeah, so back to Francis’ dinner thingy…

After TH, more drinks – a total of many bottles of unique beers, red wine, cold and warm sake, and sushi, I got drunk but controlled my demeanour quite well. It was when I got home that I did some stuff. When my dad went to bed, I went downstairs to get some water, and I sat down on the two chairs beside the couch and started crying.

It was a painful experience. It was about 25% of how I felt back in mid 2000. Crying as quietly as possible, was painful.

Please note that I wasn’t crying because we broke-up. I was crying because of what she confessed to doing to me, and how I allowed her to do all that to me, and in the end, people thought I was the fucking bastard to hurt her. Is this how today’s world works? Is that the fucking ex-girlfriend does things like this to protect herself?

Holy shit two faced galore!

Pat told me that his best-friend Jason recently broke up with a fiance, because she cheated on him. Pat got to know her more and became friends with her.

Cheating on a fiance… Someone whom you agreed to get married to. If you didn’t want to get married in the first place, why say yes and then cheat? THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MAKE ANY SENSE!

If the relationship wasn’t good in the first place, and you can’t seem to see anything more happen, fine, break-up.

[sigh]

It’s 2:10am, May 6th, 2006. Four days short of one year ago, I would have taken her to our first bike route at night, to talk about the stars, the bog, the crickets chirping in the dark at West Richmond. She looked gorgeous that night. I wanted to hug her, give her my warmth in that cold night. I wanted to put my hands on top of hers, to make sure her hands didn’t hurt from the cold air. May 10th 2005 that was.

This vodka is disgusting. Rodnik’s – don’t get it.

[“Inside of Me” by Madonna]

When I still had my office in 1999 to 2001, I use to play this song on my old but beautifully sounding sound system, amidst black lights, studio halogens, blue ceilings, floor, and walls, blinds up on western windows as the sun sets – pink and orange above… Gorgeous beats… Warre’s Warrior Port, with Albert, talking about Three Kingdoms, bitchy Asian UBC girls, nice sports cars, and chess… [smirks]

It was really nice back in the day. So much freedom. So irresponsible to a degree…

One bottle of Port per week! Hahahahaha! Bills coming out to be $650 (cdn) per night! HAHAHAHAHA! Damn those times… So bad. Damn, I once took a few grand out to the mall with me, and bought my then $2700 laptop all in 20 dollar bills! Yeah… It was fun, but it was stupid.

I started up top BY MYSELF, and went down hard. Now I’m starting near the bottom, going back up very slowly, with loads of setbacks. [ponders]

That’s it.

When my world seems to crumble all around
And foolish people try to bring me down
I just think of your smiling face
And I’m flying

2:21am

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