Delusional & Pretentious

I know more monogamous relationships that lack commitment than polyamorous ones through numbers and scale. When I criticized her partner for his lack of care and consideration, she defended her relationship by saying she can never be in a non-monogamous relationship because she cannot accept a relationship without commitment and faithfulness. She indirectly told me that because I am in a non-monogamous relationship, I must then automatically be not-committed to my wife nor any of my other partners. I did not rebuttal her because she previously told me Amber is lucky to have me, because I do everything in my power to make sure Amber’s life is good and livable for a person with major mental illnesses. Which meant Thalia contradicted herself based on her fantasy of what a monogamous relationship automatically entails, versus the reality of partnership incompatibility regardless of the relationship type. No matter what my rebuttal is, she will ultimately respond, “I understand what you’re saying, but it’s not for me.”

It’s not for her, because she has been conditioned since birth that monogamy is the only true path in an intimate relationship, that if a person has more than one partner, then it is impossible for those individuals to express commitment, faithfulness, and have a fulfilling loving life. Yet, even though non-monogamy is not for her, she still had an intimate relationship while dating Daffodil. She still desired and have experienced a pseudo intimate relationship with Sophia in the recent years while still together with Daffodil. So it’s not because non-monogamy isn’t for her. It’s actually because she’s in denial.

Therefore, she actually does NOT understand what anyone is saying about non-monogamous relationships. She’s judging such a relationship based solely on what she has been conditioned since birth on the notion for jealousy, insecurity, and traditional values. The reality is that people get jealous because they’re forced into monogamous ideologies. They become insecure in monogamous societies, because by nature, humans have the ability to be attracted to more than one person. It is through the sheer will of one’s choices, do individuals force themselves into denial.

I am not saying everyone should partake in a non-monogamous lifestyle, considering the majority of everyone on the planet have been conditioned as thus. Therefore, having a lot of hidden insecurity and jealousy. I am saying people whom are in monogamous relationships, should not judge non-monogamy as some opposing force. In mature non-monogamous relationships, every individual in the partnership is valued. Every individual have a voice in the relationship. Every individual is permitted to give insight that a monogamous relationship often lacks. Instead of being railroaded into one linear frame of mind to deal with issues in a monogamous relationship, a non-monogamous relationship offers multiple perspectives and through those perspectives, can bring different means to resolve issues between partners. More than that, having multiple partners also allow new experiences to be gained, new methods to learn, and new ways in dealing with life. Which in turn can be used to enhance one’s relationship experiences with your other partners.

It’s like having multiple friends, except your friends also add intimacy, romance, and sometimes, sex into your life. Then you take what you’ve experienced and learned from those partners into your relationships with other people. How amazing is that?!

Thalia told me she needs someone who is fully committed to her. I’m 100% sure she doesn’t know what that actually means. If her partner was 100% committed to her, then she wouldn’t rhetorically ask me if she has become asexual. She wouldn’t have told me she has lost all desire for sex with her partner. She wouldn’t have told me she was considering divorce, waiting it out until the children are old enough. They wouldn’t have needed couple counselling in the first place which didn’t help them at all, except to allow them both to vent once a month. In what reality is her partner committed to her? Occasionally taking out the trash, being able to bring the children together and cook for them once in a blue moon, and provide Thalia some intellectual stimulation by sharing historical texts with her are not things to brag about, when trying to defend how committed her partner is to her. I felt embarrassed hearing and reading what she said about her partner.

It was wrong of me to criticized her partner and their relationship, but like I said in my previous blog entry, I blew up after carrying it with me for 12 years. To her, it was a “wow, what was that all about?” To me, it’s just a compressed version of what she has shared with me since the second week after they got married, realizing just how much of a selfish jerk he was. So of course, to defend her honour, she must say what she will one day say to me, even if most of what she will tell me is a twisted reality of what has really been going on.

I am at the very least, disappointed at Thalia for being as dishonest as she has always been. The Dishonest Kiss made me resent her for a long time. It was only a handful of years ago, I tried to reconnect with her despite my negative feelings for the things she ‘rewritten’ as the ‘victor’. I hate how she tried to gaslight me. This is something unforgivable, because Thalia is the type of person who only admits she is wrong when the wrongdoing she has done doesn’t affect how she perceives her personal decency. The only time she was able to apologize for anything, was when it was something she can correct, and not for something she can’t correct even if it was wrong.

Over the years, this was a pattern with her, and while I have grown fond of her and have love for her, at the end of the day, I was also constantly but mildly upset with her at the same time. Normally, Thalia is a good friend to have, but more than that, she can be a very warm lover to have by my side, as dictated in The Dishonest Kiss. However, as a part of her flaws, she can also be vindictive and petty. If she feels the criticism attacks her character and the things that seemingly cannot be changed in her, as a part of her, then she respond ‘in kind’. While of course, Thalia has matured her thought process and emotional reach over the years, unfortunately still, there are aspects of her that will forever stay with her forever, as apparent when she tried to defend her lifestyle and partnership, even when it was indefensible.

Let’s put it this way…

1. If Thalia’s partner tells her “it’s your funeral” after asking him if it’s okay to have a fourth child, then he’s an asshole and a terrible partner. It’s incredulous why she would continue to keep having children to a man who obviously cares so little. Why is it “her funeral”? Because he knows she will do almost all of the work, and no matter how many fights they will have, he will get away with it. Her original desire is to have a large family, on the same wavelength as the one her parents had on the condition that her partner would also be a loving generous affectionate father. However, her partner is a shell of those things. So she having so many children has become a byproduct of loneliness and the lack of true affection. They are roommates, no matter how she tries to spin it. They are roommates that sleep together and have shared financial dependencies.
2. She begs her partner to do the chores. At times, she does things like give him blowjobs as currency to get him to do the chores. Whenever her partner brings up how unenthusiastic she is when it comes to sex, she tries to gently remind him that being kinder and to do the chores without being asked would certainly help with that enthusiasm. What does he do? He brushes her gentle reminder away and shuts her down.
3. As you mentioned, in all of the photos she posts on social media, she puts a major emphasize on herself, her friends, and her children. Where is her partner? One picture per album of ten to twenty pictures is showing a major bias, compared to the short-lived honeymoon period where they were always together in almost all of their social media photos.
4. Why is it that Thalia is the only one who does the majority of the housework, cook, take care of the kids, and organize everything that needs to be done, and only when criticized, that seemingly, no matter how Thalia spins it, it still only seems her partner is there as a freelance partner? Someone who shows up every now and then to do the stuff that needs to be done. Thalia is tired out of her mind, barely able to do the stuff she wants and loves to do. Why does she need to nearly-constantly remind her partner to share some of the chores? Shouldn’t these things be automatic?

Amber and I had a discussion about what Thalia told me coinciding her perception of commitment in a monogamous relationship, versus a non-monogamous one. This is basically what she told me…

How is her partner so much more committed to her, than you are with me? You sacrificed your life for me. You created a home and an environment where I can grow, to inspire me to become what I want to be, to encourage me when I am down, to care about my welfare before your own, to make sure I get the best pieces of chicken or pizza, to make sure it’s the things I can eat. You actually love me when I hate myself. When I constantly try to give up on myself, you mitigate that by not giving up on me. I never need to beg you to do the chores. I never need to give you blowjobs for you to the chores. I never have to gently remind you. You just do them, and you listen to me. I have a voice and you encourage me to be honest. You do everything you can to make us awesome, and you do everything you can to make sure our home is always welcoming.

The least of all of that, you always make sure to include me in any decision you wish to make, to make sure I feel appreciated and that my thoughts and my feelings matter. I never felt like I was unwanted, or that I was useless, or that you were selfish. When no one else cared or supported me, you rose out of the ashes of betrayal and whisked me away. I owe you my life. Can Thalia say the same about her partner? Again, how is her partner, in their monogamous relationship REALLY working out? Yet here you are, in a non-monogamous relationship with me, giving me your all, while at the same time, wishing you can do even just a little for Thalia, to show her she’s ‘still’ worth it – still worth your love and affection. She should be so lucky to have you, instead of defending that spoiled brat of a partner she has. Thalia has a very twisted view of what commitment is. I see next to no commitment in Thalia’s partner to her.

Bragging that your partner can bring all the kids together, and have a quiet meal together, after he cooked for everyone isn’t something to be proud of. How often does he do that? Every day or is it once every few weeks? That shouldn’t be something partners should praise each other for. It would be worthy of praise, if Thalia’s partner took on 50%-70% of all the things that need to be done in the family, so Thalia who brought all of their children into the world, could finally do the things she loves to do.

Look at you. Not only do you put 90% into me, and sometimes, 99% into me, but you make sure that you fulfill the promises you made to the people you care about like Thalia. You love her, and you want to fill in the void of true affection with her. You wish to show her love and the art of love making. You wish to pleasure her, even after all the things she had upset you about. You want to continue to grow and be a better friend to her. You wish to help her with her goals in life, with whatever means you can. It seems in essence, you are more committed to Thalia, than Thalia’s partner towards her. It seems the only commitment Thalia’s partner has for her, is to make sure he does the base minimum, just to get into the good books at the Pearly Gates. I am not saying he doesn’t love her, but clearly, he loves himself much more than he loves her.

As you can see, not only did I take offense to what Thalia said about commitment issues, but Amber really took it to heart. Thalia has had a relatively easy life, with no particular issues growing up. She’s had a rebellious stage as a teen, and in her adult life, she’s had some growing up to do, but at the end of the day, nothing traumatizing. On the other hand, Amber has had a very difficult childhood, tainted with abuse and toxic family relationships. Which ultimately resulted in PTSD, suicidal depression, major anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. Life with her has been very difficult, in the sense that her mental illness takes over all sanity and peace much of the time. However, whenever I was at the cusp of giving up on her, I fought hard in my own mind to get her back into my heart, because she is constantly ready to destroy herself. So if I, the love of her life cannot fight for the both of us, who will?

While Thalia might argue for the same reason – if Daffodil won’t fight for the both of them, then it’s up to her to pull up to the plate and fight for the both of them. Except, Daffodil grew up as a little spoiled prince with zero trauma in his life. Daffodil is a little man in a grown-up body who still feels like he is in competition with his own partner, Thalia. On the other hand, Amber grew up in a very broken abusive home and to this day, is struggling with self-preservation. Amber falters in fighting for the both of us because she was abused by her birth father. What’s Daffodil’s excuse?

For over twenty years, I had loved Thalia, but while what she said to me wasn’t meant to hurt me or insult me, she did it anyway. It’s like The Dishonest Kiss, instead of owning up to all of the events of that year, she went into heavy denial and even told me that I had read into all of it too much, that it was all in my head.

Really? Thalia? Of all of the people you know, *I* am the one who read into things too much? So everything you told me, everything we experienced together, everything we did were all just in my head? A fantasy I made up for whatever reason?

Yes, I still resent her for the things she told me multiple times over the years, morphed through her moods. I wish I didn’t. I wish for once, people would just be completely honest with me. At the very least, if she believes I am as important as she says I am to her, then why can’t she be honest with me? Why does she have to be in denial against me? It’s me. Leeman Cheng. I’m not Sophia, the girl you recently stopped being friends with that you desired a pseudo intimate romantic encounter with. I’m not Amelia, whom you were still kissing when you were dating Daffodil. So to tell me that you have each others backs and you trust that neither of you will ever do anything to jeopardize that (broken) relationship, tells me just how noncommittal she really is to that idea of a committed monogamous relationship.

It angers me, yes, but less than that, Thalia disappoints me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt when I reached out to her back in February, but only through the notion that this time, it will be different for the both of us. This time, everything goes. After my NDE, I wanted her to meet up with me, so I can confess everything and make a proposition for a situationship, as it clearly tells me, she needs one, especially one she trusts. However, ever since this whole fiasco happened, and she still has yet to come to the full defense of her partner and their twistingly broken but somehow still very committed relationship, ultimately, she rather live in denial and continue onto this path of self-loathing, than to accept me.

What annoys me is that she still had an intimate relationship with Amelia while dating Daffodil, and in the recent years, wanted to pursue a pseudo intimate relationship with Sophia while being in a relationship with Daffodil – on the obvious notion their relationship was broken. Yet, when I hinted to have one with her, one I can guarantee love, adoration, and respect, she puts up defenses exclaiming is wrong.

As my last chance to connect with someone I actually know, trust to a point, and want, I was hoping Thalia would be the one. Alas, unless she can somehow break of the status quo of her social and traditional conditioning, we will simply be the type of friendship we always were. Except, the mild flirting will cease and I will simply ignore every topic of sex, educational and otherwise with her, just to help me stop thinking about her affectionately and lovingly.

My love for Thalia lasted almost 21 years without ever confessing my true feelings for her to protect her. In 2024, she no longer needs that protection because her life is at a point that needs me. If she still cannot see it, then so be it. Amber suggested I tell her my confession regardless, but I feel that it’s not only pointless, but it will just feed Thalia’s ego.

I love Thalia, but doing contradictory things while preaching the opposite, while being in major denial is a huge turn off. In 2024, I had hoped she would finally stop being in heavy denial as she has done from The Dishonest Kiss. I had hoped that now that we’re both in our middle ages of life, we can shed the bullshit and just go for it. Alas, that hope has since been shattered. That version of her, that 1% of her who could still shine is unfortunately overshadowed by the pretentious sanctimonious false virtue she allow herself to partake. She could be way better than this, but she chooses not to embrace the truth and reality. The drug of traditional values and a traditional partnership really does wonders for one’s soul, even if she is overly stressed, with zero sex drive, and consider divorce. Wow! What a great partner!

This might as well be self-inflict abuse. Victims of abuse always defend their narcissistic abusers, because that’s all they have, and they believe this is what they will only have.