A man once said he has a short time to live and this would be one of the last things he could do, before his time passed. People don’t take him seriously, like I don’t take my mom seriously when she talks about her light headedness and skipped heart-beats. People would misinterpret that, so I will explain. There is nothing to take seriously, besides going into panic. So I let her rant and vent her worries and I treat it lightly, because ultimately, she has to continue living and so do I and from that, I still have to go to work, earn my wages, give money to my parents and repeat.

That’s why, when my brother told me his medical worries a few years ago, I did not react as his friends and my parents did. Ultimately, we all live on regardless of what we face. So instead of adding panic to something that is inevitable, I continue to do what I need to do day in and day out. The problem isn’t what we could do and what they face. The problem is how I will take it after the fact.

Tune: “Until You’re Resting Here With Me” by Dido


I could choose to try to treat my parents ‘better’, work 12 hour days, save up money and take them out to do ‘all’ the things they ever ‘wanted’ to do, but by leading such a life, I am basically trying to comfort my own conscience. If I treat every day, regardless of the issues, as I would treat every other day, the pain is a lot less to deal with. I choose not to cry my eyes out, until the after the fact, but that doesn’t mean, I don’t cry on my own time, in my own space. I will, when it happens, for sure.

You see, my brother is smart. He left home to live his own life. I am not saying when mom and dad leaves us, that he won’t be sad. What I am saying is that he has other people that would keep his mind off of things. I don’t have that. So, sometimes, I think about it, even if it’s out of my hands and guess what? There is nothing in this world that would prepare me for that. Absolutely nothing. So aside from illness, I confess, this is my other fear. I fear what would happen to me when my parents leave us. I personally, do not fear death. I fear what happens after. This is very literal. I am not talking about spirituality or religion or gods here. I am talking about what will happen to whoever it affects when someone dies, when someone leaves us.

I’m not very smart. I choose to stay for many small reasons and two big reasons. It doesn’t have to be this way, I know, but I am stubborn and I get more and more stubborn as I age, but I have to say, women are stupid creatures that fall in love with men. It’s amazing how the minds of women work. How the heck can they fall in love with not very smart men? You silly creatures. Did you know ‘good’ men constantly feel they don’t deserve you? Did you know that ‘good’ men constantly question their worth in this world? While you think it’s ‘enough’ to have some man love you and share a life with you, men, ‘good’ men, constantly feel they need to keep doing things, finish things, start things even. I am not saying I am a good man, but I’m not that bad. With that said, I constantly weigh my worth with the entire world.

Who am I?

THIS, is the number one rhetoric I ask myself the most. There is no rating, no percentage, no grade obviously, but good men do that to themselves. They see what they are worth in this world. THEY may infinitely love you so much that they would trade the entire universe for you, but you have to understand and understand this good: men believe they need to do things, because if we stop doing things or we feel we fucked up at doing something, we will feel we are worthless and we will feel you don’t deserve this shit.

My parents have me, but they don’t control my life. The world controls my life. My close friends say I am this and that, that I am a good son, but you know what? I’m just a man who needs to do things.

A man that thinks and believes he deserves you, isn’t a man. He’s just some fuck-up who is too full of himself and trust me, this is supposedly coming from an asshole. Yeah you heard me. I don’t believe in the nice guy, bad guy bullshit. That’s just an excuse for some wimpy ‘men’ to let others step all over them, without taking responsibilities for their own actions as a man – as a man that does things and make things happen.

So stop being a fuck-up and start doing things.


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  1. 2

    A conglomerate of things that has happened over the years, catching up and rendering my mind to respond accordingly. This is as close to a ‘mid-life crisis’ as I would allow anything like this to happen because ultimately, I don’t believe in MLC. I think it’s an overblown hyperbole.

    The biggest thing is that I have to still deal with it. Just a day by day thing. I know I am vague, but there are so many factors in this entry that would affect just me. You know me, I hate to be ‘sexist’ or politically incorrect, but sometimes, I just want to say it as it is, rather than ‘worry’ about what everyone else holds dear to without being lashed at for saying it.

    What’s stopping me truly? Secrets and promises. Otherwise, I believe it. Which I’m going to enter in my next entry before I go to bed.

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