Ch1: Voices – October 18, 1997

Surfing through the net, I suddenly had an urge to load a picture of Noriko Sakai, a famous Japanese singer in Japan. Anyway, I might as well tell you, I edited the picture to a highpass, exposed foreground. Very beautiful, both person and image enhancement. Anyways everytime I’m extremely bored, I would listen to one my compositions or someone elses compo’s. Compos are music composed on the computer using any format: WAV, MID, MOD, IT, XM, S3M, ST3, MTM, 669, FAR, ROL, SND, etc. Okay, so I’m surfing the net, at the same time looking at Noriko Sakai in color enhanced and black and white, and listening to Almost Pure Harmony, and then suddenly I feel a great sadness. Like a lifetime just blew passed me in less than a second. Before this happened, I imagined how Noriko would look like if I meet her in person, how I would feel. By the way, though Noriko was born in February 14, 1971, she doesn’t look 25 years old, but actually very realistically look like she’s 18!! Now I’m getting off topic!!

I almost had tears in my eyes. The feeling of age saddened me so much that I almost cried, but I did not, because the reason to, is not good enough. A person is born into a form of a baby, and passes onto different eras of life, that is ages, not in years but in periods. As a child, the person is taught the basics. As a teen, the person upgrades to a more intermediate simulation of what he or she had me taught. As a pre-middle aged, the person explores his or her simulation in real life. As a middle-age, the person continues his or her journey, and sometimes, that person can change from a cocoon to a butterfly. When the person gets older into his or her silver years, he or she…

Wow, I just switched the music to MIDi. I’m now listening to Chrono Trigger’s Enhasa theme. I wish it is in WAVe, or Real Audio, or maybe even MP3?!? Sorry for the sudden change, but listening to a change of tunes, especially this one, makes me wonder about me as a child, how I was treated, how I lost so many friends to… Never mind, it’s not personal, just business.

I will tell you the main reason why I was so suddenly sad. Thinking and seeing how extremely beautiful Noriko Sakai is now, and thinking how she would look like 10 to 30 to 80 years from now… It is not the idea of vanity that creates this sadness, but the realization that everyone becomes less than what they try hard to become – that no matter how great or how trivial something may be, it will eventually fall.

A Sakara petal falls from a Cherry Blossom tree. Planted by rain and snow, a seedling from the petal is buried into the Earth. The seed nurtured by the land and sky, blooms from the Earth into a beautiful Sakara bearing tree. Cherry Blossoms grow and then shed its petals like Autumn tears.

Beauty may be only skin deep, but in reality, you cannot say something that is ugly, beautiful. “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”, is a true term, but has nothing to do with beauty or ugliness. Beauty is not how you look, it is how you are. If I had the power to, I would show you what I mean. Using words to describe beauty is impossible. Writing a damn poem or a whole set of encyclopaedia books would not explain the simplicity of beauty as in what the person is, not what he or she looks like.

A male cannot be beautiful. A female on the other hand, probably has more classifications of names and words to describe them. By the way, if I said I won’t hit a girl because she is a female, but I would hit a guy because he is a male – would that be considered sexist?

Anyway, I love being a guy, a boy, a little boy… , so… Shit! Who’s making that disgusting sound?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!? Sorry about the language.

I go to school most of the days, and I am a robot wandering through the hallways. My eyes hold a position, rarely moving them into any direction but sometimes only to adjust to extreme lighting or dust. I view a radius in sphere of images from around. I see and feel a bit of everything around me. I hate the crowds around me. Not that I hate them as individuals, but I hate them as a group. That includes teachers and counsellors, administrators, substitutes, librarians, passerbys, visitors… , I love this music. It is so light hearted. I wish I could father a child.

Since at a very young age, I imagined myself holding a baby of my own with my wife. The dreams are gone. I live a most private, secluded life, sometimes going out with my very good friends, and enjoying past times.

It is 1:36am, October 19, 1997. I am getting sleepy, but I promised a total stranger that I would search for some stuff on the net for him.

Acceptance isn’t hard for me.

Imagine words to interpret music. I thought, “Wow.”, and laughed quietly.

One more thing… This next compo I will be composing will be dedicated to my former girlfriend who I was in love with for a long time. Like a dream, she came and went, but it was so beautiful. Damn, I still love her. Isn’t that stupid? She told me the same thing, even a long time after we broke up. Stupid? The only reason I kept Noriko Sakai’s picture is because she has a great resemblance to Fiona. I burned my past, because I thought of accepting a new future, but as I had theorized in 1995: the past, present which does not exist, and the future is all in one place at the same time, as time does not exist at these periods. Since my theory I came to believe was to be true in my thinking, by burning my past, I am actually forfeiting my future.

The moon shines in this darkness known as our future, where the moon represents a dim light as guidance to our past. Goodnight…