For some time, I’ve maintained a certain relationship with someone. At one point, it grew to something uncontrollable emotionally, but calmed down quite a bit afterwards, like an orgasm. After a few months of silence, she popped up and we continued our friendship.

We had exchanged some intimate information with each other and even some intimate media, more so on my end than hers. After on and off pondering for awhile, I told her over chat in February not to send me any more intimate media on herself. At the time, when she asked me why, I was unable to give her a solid answer. I am unsure if she will read my entry here ever, but my answer is this:

There are various reasons I had thought up to excuse her lack of response, some of which had to due with trust, though she had tried reassuring me that wasn’t the case. Other reasons included past issues to do with a former lover possibly betraying her trust and thus, had affected all future possibilities. Another one would be that she felt we it was pointless. Etc.

Since this particular aspect of our odd relationship was completely lacking with unknown reasons, I decided one night while falling into sleep that I will choose for her to take away any future stress she may have with this particular thing. So in chat, I requested that she never send me nude pictures or videos of herself to me ever. She could still send ‘normal’ pictures, like road kill, tidbits of her as a gnome, etc, but no intimate pictures and videos.

This is reflective of the things I’ve been tackling with over the last couple of years. I despise ‘wishy washy’ things and am quite surprised at myself for being so tolerant of the various people around my life that are in this state of ‘wishy washiness’. It goes to how I do my work: either I don’t or I do. When I start it, I will finish it – so long as my part can be finished.

Do or don’t. Though this lack of tolerance conflicts with the emotional history and consideration factor.

Anyway, so I made the choice for her. This puts her at rest and this wipes away any feelings of ‘waiting’ on my end.

Unfortunately, I have also realized…

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