One pet peeve that annoys the crap out of me is when I hear or see someone say “I dont know what to do”. For minor things, maybe or maybe very complicated issues, then I can accept it, but for most of everything else, there is always something to do about it. You just need to think about your options. Indeed, if you restrict yourself so much that nothing seems possible, then it seems like there are no options, but there are always options. You just need to make certain sacrifices to achieve them. That’s all.

A few days ago, Amber and I got into one of our infamous nonsensical fights again. Yet again, it was about mood and feelings. You can read about a part of it in The Eternal Asshole entry. With the stuff I posted up in the comment afterward, Amber and I talked about what I posted there on MSN and for the most part, it seemed like we resolved our issues. However, today was the proof that was not so.

I woke up around 8am this morning. She came online at 4pm. So I had about 8 hours to think about the things I wanted to talk to her today. Some of which were:

– she has to tell me what is bugging her besides her work if there is something else.
– Shared with her some of my ideas about our web site, to help keep her mind off of whatever is upsetting her.
– We will also talk about my trip there about some specific things I want to share with her.
– I might get a bit naughty, depending on her mood.
– Then try to slowly ease her off into bed.

In the beginning of our MSN chat, I KNEW for a fact that she was moody. She said she wasn’t and that everything started out normal, but again as I mentioned in that previous entry, her pattern of speech was NOT normal. It was short-breathed and very neutral sounding. So before getting into any of the topics I wanted to talk to her about, I wanted to establish HOW to approach her. Therefore, I asked besides her body being sore, tired and drained, how her emotions feel. She told me she was tired and sad. So I waited and she said nothing. So I asked why was she tired. She knocked my question back by saying “I did say I was drained”. Yes honey, you did and I am not blind or dumb. I asked how you felt emotionally. I did not repeat and asked how your body felt.

Unfortunately by then, I was already getting annoyed. Also, I wasn’t sure, but I had a feeling that something else was wrong, but she kept going around in circles, trying to understand what my intent was for asking her the question.

Anyway, what started off as a short-breathed MSN ‘lack of conversation’, turned into me venting my annoyance at her again. Well, let’s say it obviously didn’t help her emotions since she started crying. At this point, on one hand, I want to feel polite and nicer to her, but she seriously annoyed the fuck out of me for putting me on a loop again. Then what topped off was when she said the following and logged off:

I would have loved that, I dont know why I always screw up my life
I dont know what to do anymore
good night
I love you

I hate it a lot when people say “I don’t know what to do” or “I don’t know why” especially when it coincides with me.

This is an active choice. You know about it. We talked about it. You just have to do it. If you care enough, then you will do it. If you don’t care, then you won’t do it. So what does this tell me? That she doesn’t care. Do I believe she doesn’t care? When I think back on the days spent with her and all the things we’ve been through, I don’t think she doesn’t care, but sometimes, it’s really hard not to believe she doesn’t care.

Simply put: the more I know about her and her feelings while we’re so far apart from each other, the BETTER a lover I become.

What does a mature relationship consist of?

It consists of two people understanding and accepting each others weaknesses and strengths. Then work with what they have to achieve an union. By doing so, people must communicate their goods and bads. If they don’t, the puzzle will always feel not complete. These are the holes in the relationship.

The fact I am explaining this right now, makes me feel as though we are once again on different levels of maturity. I had thought all these last few months leading up to our time together in Germany, we had finally equalized our communication and connection, but since the last week, she has taken a huge leap backwards and I don’t know why. I thought she has grown a lot stronger, but now? What happened?

In Germany, she showed me she was capable of being an adult, mature in thought and know the rights and wrongs according to the situation. Yet, now we are at this crossroad again. We’re lovers. We’re partners. So as lovers and partners, we need to treat each other that way. Right now, I feel like I am a teacher and she is a student again. Unless we’re acting out an intimate scene, we really shouldn’t be like this.

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