Tune: “Dying Away” by Alexandre Desplat
Drink: Painted Turtle Shiraz


Just a bit passed 32 years.

I am going to share a secret I have not told anyone. Patrick hates that I start sobbing out like a little boy crying for the first time after being hit by a train every time I get to a point of ‘no return’ when I get drunk. From the entries and the things I’ve told him in the past, he thinks my sadness comes from my hardships. Alas no, none of my sadness comes from that.

My mom has on many occasions told me that she doesn’t ever want me to feel burden with the things I go through in life. I told her on every single one of those occasions that I choose this path. The burden is a mental thing. I choose this, therefore, it is not a burden.

Everyone moves forward in their own little ways. Others faster. Many, slower. We see this every day, every single, every moment. The reason why we are here still in the dark ages is because so many of us cannot move any faster, look beyond this dreadful life we all share. I am no different, but I wish I was different. I wish I can move faster and see beyond this, but the problem is that no one is here to see it with me.

I often have dreams where I am alone, serving a very great cause, but my role has always been hidden and secretive. In my dreams, they are vivid and so real, I can feel the cool breeze against my skin, the ‘touch’ of another person, the faint sound of someone calling my name. My dreams are my nightmares and I have had them for so long, so very long. Since I was a toddler, I keep having these dreams and I cannot escape them.

I once dreamed that I had to make a decision to destroy the world with one button, so the world can restart.

I am sad because I live two lives. In one life, I serve a great cause and I have a lot of power, but I am always alone and I always fear for those close to me and I always segregate myself from them to protect them. In the other life, I am awake and I serve no one but myself and I have friends, family, Amber, my fantasies of cats and my music of course, but I stay close to them so I can watch them and aid when it seems they need it.

“Who am I?” is a question I HAVE NEVER once asked myself. Ever.

Who am I? What is my purpose? Where am I going? Where will I end up? Who will be there when I am dying?

In many sequences of my life, I have sought out religion, God, Gods, goddesses, the universe, everything that my will would allow me and ultimately this is what I am and these are my ideals: I have one life to live. I KNOW for a fact I have one life to live. When a knife cuts me, I bleed. When that van hit me, I could have died but instead, lost vision in one eye. When someone punches me, it hurts and I get a bruise, but no where in my life have I experienced a voice that booms out to me and everyone and say: “You have more to one life”. I have one life and I love my mom, my dad, my brother, my friends, Amber.

I cannot stand the idea that I will lose my mom one day and this makes me very sad. I know she is hiding things from me, but she won’t tell me what it is and I act like it’s like every other day. Honestly, I don’t know how to deal with this.

Must be nice to be selfish.

I ‘should’ have become a musician.

Okay… What can I do? What can I do to help this problem I have? I know the answer. I always know the answer. That’s what Pat said to me, at least paraphrased anyway.

I know what to do, but I am not there yet. I think I will be there soon, but it’s still hard for me regardless.

So what is it? It’s just that I see it, but so many just don’t. I know this is silly, but… /sigh Never mind.

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