[“Somewhere In The Silence” by Ilaria Graziano]

Ever since I stumbled on Warre’s Warrior Port back in late 2000, I’ve taken an explicit liking to this elixir. Back in the day, it was one bottle of Port per week. Nowadays, it’s a bottle of Port per season – maybe.

I remember when I was in my mid teens, taking my first dose of beer – wow, was that gross. I thought, “How could people drink stuff that taste like pee?!?!” Yes, you’ve guessed it! I’ve tasted pee before. Not my own per se. More like walked into a public washroom and the air was so thick with the aroma of urine that you can pretty much taste it, plus, I’ve tasted a baby’s piss before… [sigh] Let’s just say, those little buggers pee on whim and unexpectedly so.

[pauses to think] [“Remedium” by Yoko Kanno]

Have you ever felt something inside, like an internal freedom, maybe like a total relaxation of sorts that completely eases every part of your soul but for just a moment, then it slowly and gradually resides until you can feel it no more?

Sometimes, I feel that, but not nearly as often as I want. Like my appreciation for Warre’s Warrior Port, I used to ‘abuse’ the freedom of wealth to buy me the freedom I desired back in the day. [nostalgic tired smile] Of course, today when I look back at that, I give myself a half smile because the freedom I bought wasn’t the freedom I truly desired. I was merely buying my own prison more space to live in.

So I type this, listening to this tune from one of my top fave musicians, with a small glass of Port in front of me, thinking about things of past and present. I wish I have someone to share this Port with and have a nice discussion about something. I definitely enjoyed past times sitting at my office, late at night, snacking on some Chinese MSG fishies, listening to some trip hop under the black lights and studio bulbs, sipping Warre’s Warrior Port, while we talk about times past, and times recent. Alas, tonight, I sit here alone, listening to Remedium by Yoko Kanno, thinking how nice it would be to share this fine Port with a friend or two… 8]

I printed out some pictures of my trips and activities over the Spring and Summer this year, framed them, and put them up on the desk above my desk. I look at them from time to time. It feels uncanny and unbelievable that I had that much fun over the Spring and Summer, but I am alone here sitting, typing, and drinking by myself.

[chuckles] Of course it was different back in HK. Every time I went back, I always went up to my Big Bro’s place, go up to his rooftop at night, drinking San Miguels, Carlsburg, Ice Blue, and Guinness, while chatting away about everything. It had a good enough view. The city that never sleeps. The day the noises stop, is the day Hong Kong dies.


^^ Does this picture look familiar? 8] This was taken on the second floor of a plaza at Tuen Mun in Hong Kong. There were a lot of people there, and a night market of sorts. ^^

Ah I know I have the support of my family/friends, but honestly, I wish I can hang out with Albert and Jonathan more. Sometimes, we don’t get to see each other for months, and we meet up again, and it was like yesterday we last saw each other. However, it is also good that we don’t see each other that often. Once every month or so is good enough. It’s like my appreciate for Port… 8]

A set of soulmates… Indeed. 8]

Do you know that sometimes, I dream of things that ‘most’ people may not dream about? I dream about unity, having people join together as a whole, for one absolute cause, so we can all move forward together. Too bad I didn’t have aspirations to become a politician when I was a kid. I would have very much liked to be one of the motivational and driving forces for change in our political system, but in any political stage, one person won’t be able to do much without wealth and power and respect.

So I became a creative designer – where I wasn’t ‘able’ to set sail into the ‘right’ direction, I moored myself at a nation in which my next most useful skills and talents can be used, and in return, I can achieve some form of visual representation of my dreams and my goals. [ponders] How does it look Albert? That our visions have become blurred from the recent pollution that have poisoned our hearts.

Sometimes, I dream about walking from the middle of a bridge onto ‘safe’ land, but as I near land, I turn around briefly and see myself walk away to the other side as well. He doesn’t look back, yet I do. How come?

Then as I step onto land, the bridge collapses and clouds move in between us. Other dreams have me walking through one of my creations, in semi-darkness, with a vast ocean of subtle twinkles an infinity of light years above me, and the oceans so still that you can see a perfect reflection of yourself on it.

Ever had Lucid Dreams before, where you are aware that you are dreaming inside a dream?

Last time I had a Lucid Dream wasn’t too long ago. I don’t remember what I was doing, but I remember being somewhere and I suddenly became aware that I was dreaming. Movement was difficult as usual, but my thoughts were as clear as they could be. I told myself in my dream, “I hope this is not a dream. It would suck if it is.”

Heh, how more obvious can that be? 😉

[“Take A Little Hand” by Gabriela Robin]

Anyway, about an hour and a half ago, I came upon a song called “Take A Little Hand” by Gabriela Robin. That song was what started this entry and the Port.

[ponders] I wish I had my own place, my own car, and the wealth I had back then with the knowledge and ‘wisdom’ of today, so I can take a drive outside, park at Concord Pacific and walk around in the rain. I so need that right now.

So to answer Terry’s question a few months ago – “How can I have so much emotion for anything?” I was going to wait until the morning before my death to answer him. 8] Well, I might as well, since I’m in the mood…

I have to back track a bit if you don’t mind… Unlike most babies my parents have seen, I was one of the rare ones who never cried or cried very little. My mom even joked that if a stranger picked me up and ran away with me, my parents would probably never know cuz that was the thing – it didn’t matter who it was that came near me or picked me up, I just didn’t cry. I would look at them and that was it.

When was very young, I thought that I was always being treated unfairly by everyone. Just because I kept to myself and enjoyed playing Lego, HeMan, and GoBots by myself, it didn’t mean that I was being a snob. There was a reason why I enjoyed playing by myself though. It was because I knew I couldn’t rely on anyone for anything. At that age, though I was attached to my mom, I had always rebelled against my own emotions.


^^ Coming back from the Big Buddha. ^^

Skipping a couple of decades, to this day, I suppress a huge portion of emotions inside – still. Ever seen me cry before? Not many have. 8] AND I would like to add, that I would like to keep it that way. [laughs]

Have you ever seen someone super close to you cry before? It was heart-wrenching. To see him try to keep his tears all inside but at the last moment, it’s like the last soldier on the battle field, unwilling to die, with a hundred arrows pierced throughout his body. How can a brother in arms just stand there to watch that?

And I did because I couldn’t do anything then.

What is beyond love? Beyond love is true friendship. [smiles] Of course, we all have our differences, and we debate, argue, and stuff, but in the end, our mild differences only add flavor to life.

My time at DearCupid has shown me further how frail the world is. My time and efforts spent on past intimate relationships has shown me further how frail love without friendship is.

So Terry, to directly answer your question, it’s not that I put so much emotion into certain things, but it’s because I have a lot of emotions from different periods of my life that I have suppressed and received from those really close to me.

When I see pictures of war, I do not immediately react to them. In fact, I stay dormant and indifferent for the most part. For the 9/11 attacks, at first, I was a bit shocked, but after a year later, I actually cried a bit one night, while I was walking around by myself at the school field.

Why do I suppress my emotions? [chuckles] Because they’re unreliable. Thus I find absolute pleasure in experiencing the love and unity that my closest friends receive/create. Whenever I see a couple or a group of friends having positive fun together, I feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. 8]

Do I feel left out? No, not at all. [smiles] I once said to Virginia that if there is indeed another lifetime, I hope I can live a life where I can help people achieve a greater good, to open their minds to an unified cause. [laughs] I can be everyone’s father, or grandpa… 8]

Alas, it’s nearing midnight, and I just finished my glass of Port.



Add yours
  1. 1

    I but you just wanna be everyone’s father so you could emphatically ask, “Who’s YO DADDY??!!!!” to every Tom, Dick and Harry 🙂

  2. 3

    hey li, i love your writing! i was really immersed in what you were describing. your friend terry is right, you sound like someone who has a lot of emotions. sometimes it’s good to vent them. maybe you should do that more.

  3. 4

    Thanks. 8] As for venting, well… I have other outlets for that. Cycling for one – as you can see from my Photo Gallery. I hate winters in Canada. It’s so cold and I have absolutely not motivation to exercise… [sigh] SUCKS!

  4. 6

    Your description of the last soldier on the field, when I see something like that in a movie or read it in one of my books, I always get really choked up. Displays of huge amounts of inner strength and strong friendship/love/loyalty and things like that, really affect me when I am outside what’s happening….

    You wish you had your own place and stuff? ….. I wish I could find a comradery(sp) like that…
    I envy you Li.

    You, I could see, being one of the last soldiers alive. Doing everything you can, even though your body should have died three hours ago.
    Me? I’d be the soldier huddled against the wall, wishing he were somewhere else. Not ready to die.

  5. 8

    I checked it like…yesterday! D= There was nothin. *checks again, just to make you happy* Found your email about the forum thingy…. *keeps searching* Nope, last thing I got from you, aside from the forum thingy, was your question about my comp specs. Which I replied to, I believe.

    OH YEAH!!
    And something else that I wanted to write earlier that I didn’t get out at the time.

    What is this “Port” that you speak of?

  6. 9

    Ah no wonder why you haven’t replied! I sent an email to the one you replied to my email with! Let me send it to you again… 8/

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