[“Cyber Bird” by Yoko Kanno & Gabriella Robin]

We fear predictions made long ago
We exist far above the sky, and all material things

A bird that flies to the borderline
I look out over thousands of Earths
Free from gravity, it’s enticing me
As I continue on to my destination

Electricity makes an arc as it’s cut off
Twisted-up world, like a grapevine
A molecule bends out one hand
As though to become one with my heart

I throw my body from the pier
As though flying to the borderline between fact and fiction

Flying to the borderline between fact and fiction

I hang up the phone
No one was on the other end
Memories wash over me
The scents of the mysteries of air and rain

We fear predictions made long ago
We exist far above the sky, and all material things

Earlier, I looked at myself again and I realized something. I won’t say it even here, password protected. I understand.

Anyway, every time I look at my reflection from the mirror, I see more and more of myself – who I really am, and the path in which I am taking.

I understand.

It’s not a good thing. I totally understand. Okay… I think I will need to…

[walks over to Albert’s poem]

I re-read the poem Albert made for me in early 2001. It prompted me because earlier, Emma was looking at it, and throughout the night at SSY, I was more of a listener than anything. There is thing I read before somewhere – it’s my obnoxiousness. [ponders] I understand.

It wouldn’t be me if I couldn’t be silly, even with thresholds and such. It’s understandable.

Okay, let’s stop perspectives, unless it’s the Big Four. If it’s Patrick, and if he talks to me, opens up his heart and his mind, then I will switch to it. I will be less perspective and more supportive towards Albert. I have to keep in touch with Ben. Same with Marlon, and of course, the usual with Jon. I think Jon is the most accepting one out of everyone…

I lack external sensitivity. I’m not rude on purpose, but I have to realize that not everyone is as open and daring as I am. Those who know me can take me, but those who don’t – I shouldn’t expect them to. It’s true that Patrick said it won’t be me if I have to behave, but then again, more tact with ‘outsiders’ should be used.

There is a reason why I have always kept Albert, Graeme, Ben, and Jon so close to me. There is a reason why they’re more than just friends. Yes, I may be ill-supportive sometimes, but I feel it. I feel everything. Sometimes, it really kills me.

Anyway, I totally understand, and after re-reading Albert’s poem, I actually almost had tears in my eyes. I totally understand. Well, maybe not totally, but close enough.

Do you know why I’m so silly and possibly obnoxious? Cuz of all these hidden emotions. I kept most of my negative emotions to myself since I was a few years old. I told my mom some of it the other day.

Okay, I’ll behave. Let’s make that law. I’ve never made anything law, since I’ve broken promises before, but this isn’t a promise. This will be personal law, just as it is personal law to aid my brothers without unreasonable hesitance. Just as it’s personal law to aid my family without unreasonable hesitance. To behave – to make it law, feels so petty and childish, but possibly necessary.

Will this make me a boring person? I guess it really depends on the receiver(s).

I am attracted to daring people – daring and brave women. Then again, those same daring and brave women usually have borderline moralities, and are psychologically borderline in stabilities. [laughs sadly] Just like that stupid little ‘quiz’ – hot and easy eh? Is this what infertility does to a guy? Especially one that though under the physical protection of my parents, had to defend himself emotionally for over two decades?

[“Velveteen” by Yoko Kanno]

It makes me unique this way. When I see my silhoutte (sp?), I see someone powerful. I take so many pictures of myself because I want to see myself for who I am. I am a very ugly person in every way – including my unique mentality and ultra-sensitive perception. I not lacking in self-esteem. I am simply able to see myself as who I really am.

So why do I continue to do the things I want to do to improve my physical and mental strength? Because I can and I want to – because it gives me ‘hope’, it gives me the illusion, and it allows me to pass time.

Seeing you in my tears
In my own reflection
I hear you in the wind that passes through me

Feel you in my hunger
You’re haunting my ambition
Beautifully destructive attraction

Climbed to zero G’s
Now falling like a rock
Drugged and digitized you inside a dream

E tu sei per me…

L’aria che respiro
l mio cibo, ciò che osservo
magico sei tu! E io sento che…
Sono innamorata di emozioni
smisurate, infinite ormai!

A velveteen equation

I find you in my fears
and in my fascination
I taste you in safe water and it drowns me

Paranoid and peaceful
Inside a sweet addiction
Velvety electrical reaction

Soft insanity
And I can’t make it stop
Live hallucination within a dream

E tu sei per me…

L’aria che respiro

il mio cibo, ciò che osservo
magico sei tu! E io sento che…
Sono innamorata di emozioni
smisurate, infinite ormai!

A velveteen equation

Magico, questo è un grande amore
Magico, questo è un grande amore

I wish I can fall asleep listening to this song and crying. When I tore my heart out and wept oceans of tears in mid 2000, that emotion was agonizingly painful. When I cried because Cindy did so many negative things behind my back, etc, etc – that was just uncomparable in power and torment. What happened to me in 2000, all that pain, in all those nights, in the darkness – it is undescribable (sp?). Truly… I miss that agonizing pain. Not because I am a sadist, but because I feel as though I keep so much of myself inside, concentrated, that it has over time went from being a ball of hay to a super dense massive blackhole.

To Albert, if he ever reads this entry: when you ask me often if I am mad, like today about biking, etc, I answer that I am not and I am far from being. What keeps all these little things from building up on the inside is exactly how I described it above – everything just goes to oblivion. Mind you however, I still do feel it, but I am way pass anything so minor like that. Sometimes, I show emotion towards even the smallest things, but I will confess to you – I don’t really feel it. I express those ’emotions’ because I want to believe I am still very human.

Honestly and sincerely, I don’t feel it. It’s like my entire body is a heatsink.



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