Sincerely, Thalia

My near death experience in 2022 made me realize my desire to cherish the people I love with whatever time I have left in this life. I am particularly harder on Amber, because she is my life partner and I require her to be strong and independent. If one day I am no longer around, she can still function and one day beyond her grief for me, she can find people that will walk alongside her in her journey in that life without me. I also have reached out to people I normally speak with every now and then, but have no usual desire to connect further due to our already-connected histories. However, this time around, I am actually making an effort to reach out to them, to ask how they are, and to see what I can do to help make their lives a little bit nicer. Even small things like putting up a game on our server, or see what they’re up to, or give them researched advice on their technical needs, etc. I am not trying to leave behind a legacy with my friends. I am trying to be there for my friends.

However, one person stands apart from everyone else. Her name is Thalia. We’ve been friends since July 2003, roughly a month after Ernie introduced Thalia to his friends at his birthday dinner.

The following are excerpts of several blog entries that have been combined into one massive blog post to shorten convolution, except for The Dishonest Kiss which needs an entry of its own.

One night out around UBC shortly after meeting Thalia for the first time, Ernie being the number cruncher he was, asked Thalia if she would put a numerical value to how attractive I was to her, what I would be. She answered I was a 1.5 out of 10. Also, that night, she wanted Ernie to prop her up against the UBC gardens and fuck her brains out. She later confessed she was glad that never happened. Amongst other things, his shifty eyes and pettiness turned her off. I guess it was his muscles that initially made her soaking wet?

Regardless, she and I became fast friends. Basically around July 2003 onward, we pretty much emailed, texted, called, and hung out at least once a week. She was also one of my most ardent supporters here in the original version of this blog for a few years until 2009. Which then I basically never saw her again here.

A particular memory from October 2003 was when I invited her to come out to dinner with Charles, his cousin Dietrich, and I. We went to Saigon Fusion on West Broadway. Charles was all over Thalia at the restaurant, even though I was sitting next to her and he was on the other side of the table. I went to the washroom a few times. The last time I went, I went outside for a breather. As I leaned against the cold railing on the second floor where the restaurant was, I considered walking home by myself. Mind you, it would have been a very long walk, eventually crossing a bridge. Basically, my home was about 12 kilometres away. I mean, it was cold, I was drunk, and obviously, my vision impaired. I decided against it and went back in. I was love-stricken and annoyed obviously.

Afterwards, we ended up wandering around Granville Island. On a few occasions, Charles forced his hand into a Thalia’s, holding her hand in a finger-interlocking way. For some reason, Thalia let him. When I saw this and the lack of rejection, I was upset, but held it all in of course. I still had a good time though. The night ended and life went on.

I introduced Thalia to Keith, my childhood best friend. Keith was an athletic man who loved playing tennis and ice hockey. Keith remarked to me how cool a friend Thalia was. I smirked every time Thalia spoke about Keith, and every time Keith spoke about Thalia. They were on completely different pages. I didn’t say anything to either of them, as this was something they had to figure out on their own without a 3rd party to influence their choices. On an occasion, Thalia was trying to teach Keith how to swim. She had a chance to touch Keith’s six pack abs. In short, she wanted Keith so badly she shivered on the thought of him while she was sitting on my bed explaining the experience. I didn’t say anything, other than the occasional nod, a few affirmations, and some follow up statements. I was amused.

To cut a long story short, they didn’t work out. Thalia mentioned later in hindsight, while Keith was hot-looking, his personality was equivalent to a one-tone lecture about cardboard-smelling napkins. That’s the polite version of what she told me. I laughed my ass off of course. I love my buds, but unless they are in harms way, there is no reason for me to not laugh at the humorous situations befallen to them.

Then I introduced Thalia to Yonni. They hit it off pretty well and their relationship looked promising too. However, shortly after they broke up, Yonni told me her religious convictions eventually split them apart. I lightly scolded Thalia on that. I told her that faith should be a personal connection to the spirit world in whatever form they adhere to. If you’re strong in your spiritual convictions, then the rest will work out, especially when her partner is near-perfect in every other way. Eventually, I told her that I hope she will not grow to regret this choice, because if she ever marries someone based on his faith, just because they match religiously, doesn’t mean they match romantically – doesn’t mean they match as a couple. Thalia appreciated my short lecture and was not argumentative at all. She just sighed. I sat with her for awhile without further words, until we moved onto a different topic.

I actually shedded a few tears later that evening, knowing how heartbroken they were with each other. Thalia lost someone that could have made her entire life beautiful, full of love, and kindness. Jon had an abusive uncaring father, and in turn, he made it his life’s goal to protect his mom. His maturity, his character growth, his incredible friendship, silly antics, strong principles, and honour makes him an excellent lover, best friend, and romantic partner full of understanding, support, and adoration. This is super apparent in his relationship with his family members.

After my relationship with Cindy ended in 2006 (December 2004 to March 2006), my feelings for Thalia were still there, but had somewhat grown cold a bit. However, when Meowry was having some hard times, Thalia and I took Meowry in to celebrate her birthday at Thalia’s home. After dinner and after the cake, somehow, Thalia and I wrestled with each other, well, more like tried to tickle each other and I ended up on top of her on her couch. Thalia’s legs were on either side of me, while I pinned her wrists down on either side of her head. I noticed Meowry was staring at us with a huge grin on her face. I stared right at Thalia and she whispered to me, “Get bigger.” I didn’t say anything because I knew she wasn’t asking me to get an erection. She was telling me that if I wasn’t so skinny, I would definitely be more attractive to her. It was that moment, I wanted to kiss her. While her wrists were still pinned down, I leaned down thinking of kissing her lips, but chickened out in the last moment. Instead, I gave her a peck on her cheek. My heart pounded so fast, I thought I was going to faint. Yet, Thalia didn’t reject me, or wiped her face, or react negatively.

While Meowry was hanging out with me the next day, she remarked, “Why didn’t you kiss her lips, Li?” I sighed and didn’t respond to that question. The entire freakin day Meowry was with me, she constantly had a grin on her face. It was irritating. Later that day, after taking Meowry home, and just before she left my car, she remarked again, “You should have kissed her lips, Li. She obviously wanted you to.” I didn’t respond, smiled a little, and waved at her good bye. I made sure Meowry was inside the building, before driving off.

In the summer of 2008, while swinging on the playground swings with Yonni, he remarked, “Why don’t you go after Thalia?”

I responded with a snort, “Are you kidding? I’m Lucifer. She’s Eve. She’s obviously looking for her Adam. She’s too naive for me and I’m too wicked for her. Adam is just right because he’s blonde, blue eyed, and unblemished. I’m cursed you see? Tainted, evil, and ugly. Plus, she prefers tall men like you, or pretty boys like Keith and Daffodil.” I remember Yonni sighing multiple times and rolled his eyes a few dozen times until they fell out. Putting them back in was a feat.

Yonni asserted paraphrased, “Naivety can be changed in time. Your wickedness is just citing truth and wisdom. You can show her things that no other man could, not even I. You have the perception and experience that most men would have dreamed of at the age we’re at right now. You’re only stopping yourself because you love her. Neither of you see it, but even I can see you two are perfect for each other.”

I rarely get annoyed with Yonni. Like pretty much never. Yet, the irritation was wretchedly gnawing at me. We were quiet for a few minutes, until I blurted out with stressed out laughter mixed with me choking on my saliva and trying to cough it up. I remarked, “She ended up with you, and you two broke up. You are a king. Compared to you, I am a foot soldier.”

Yonni eyed me with indifference and in a monotone voice said, “A king my ass and you’re not a foot soldier! Don’t put yourself down. You shouldn’t compare yourself to others, let alone your friends. You know I’m right.”

I looked up at the night sky briefly with a grin of slight displeasure, and rhetorically asked, “When did you become so poetic? Truth and wisdom? Show her things that no one else can?! Give me a break. I’m a fucking nobody.” Yonni let out a fart in retaliation while I kicked up sand beneath my feet. I looked up at the dark sky again, but this time, toward the tips of the silhouetted trees I grew up with. I was silent in my thoughts for a few more minutes, only hearing the squeaking of the chains that were bolted to the frame of the swing seats. I contemplated whether I was going to respond absolutely half-truthed or somewhat dismissively. Well, it was Yonni. So I opted to just respond absolutely half-truthed, even if it hurt me in the process.

I bluntly answered, paraphrased, “She’s superficial. She goes for things that look good on paper. She seriously believes a big dick would automatically bring her to orgasms even though she’s never had intercourse. She believes a man who has the same beliefs as she does, will automatically solve any future problems that may come around in their lives. She really believes that intelligence equals wisdom. She mistakes conceit as confidence. She believes being empathetic means the same thing as having understanding and compassion of others. You being in her life was incredible, because she found a diamond and somehow ended up losing you. Now, she’s going after this pretty boy whose nothing but smoke and mirrors. Tell me Yonni, why did she like Keith? Why did she like you? Why does she like Daffodil? It’s because you’re all pretty or tall. It was just by sheer luck of the draw that you turn out to be an honourable person with good character.”

I let out a long bellowing sigh and continued, “Most people go after the things they think they need conditioned by fantasies of grandeur, forfeiting the ‘insignificance’ of the little things that bind those fantasies together – the truly mundane so to speak. Only those like me whom have experienced abandonment, loneliness, and betrayal would seek to build a life of romantic mundanity. Thalia seeks romantic extraordinary, a grand display of affection, twirling round and round in a ballroom of hypnotic passion. Daffodil fulfills her fantasy and that’s the end of it!”

Yonni punched the air – which surprised me and in that split moment, I felt an overwhelming sense that I have disappointed him. He let out a sigh while blankly staring at the ether without a word.

I nonchalantly looked over at him and said, “I know I am a disappointment. That is why I appreciate that you and the rest of you adopted me into your clan, even when I am unworthy.” Yonni let out another sigh but said nothing, so I continued, “She likes pretty boys and tall men like you. I’m neither and would I really go after someone like Thalia who is superficial? Who time and again has proven she only went after pretty boys and tall men? I literally spoon fed her a diamond, and she fucked that up. You seriously believe I would go after someone who forfeited a red diamond to be with a white opal?! You’ve known me for a long time Jon. I rarely get things wrong with people. I bet your ass that the White Opal is infinitely worst for her than if she is with you!”

Yonni reached out like he wanted to put his hand on my shoulder to calm me down, and remarked, “If he’s white opal, then you must be black opal – they’re worth a lot more. If Daffodil is what she thinks she needs, then you are unquestionably what she really needs.”

To mimic Yonni, I also punched the air and with a finale-sounding to my words, I exclaimed, “Enough!” Which boomed through the air of the playground. “This bores me. I am the darkness and that is all.”

Yonni nodded once while facing away from me, deep in thought without a word for a few moments as we left that topic into the wind, then moved on.

Eventually, Thalia decided to take things further with Daffodil, someone who shared the same religious beliefs, same desire for a large family, is highly intelligent, with similar values, similar interests, and is gorgeously good looking. Barring all other details, it was a match made in heaven from her perspective. Occasionally, she came to me for insight, but despite any and all insight I gave, at the end of the day, the charm outweighed the perception. So when the time came, she asked a final thought into whether I thought he was good for her or not, despite some of the yellow flags going off all around them, I gave her the answer she wanted to hear.

Yes Thalia, he seems to be the man of your dreams.

Of course she laughed, since I’m always a little sarcastic and witty according to her. She was still a bit skeptical of my answer, and only asked afterwards, “Really?”

I remember during the phone call, I had a slight pause before answering, “Truly.” I could have told her my true insight, but I figured at this point in time, she has already made up her mind and of course, had already been charmed. I was but a fly on the wall with next to no influence. So the only thing she really asked of me, was for my support, rather than criticism. Plus, it was already too late in the game. My words would not have changed anything.

After Thalia and Daffodil took their relationship to the next step, Thalia’s consistency disappeared from my life. Though to give her credit, she did try at times over the years.

Not long after Thalia and Daffodil’s celebratory union, Thalia called me one evening and spent about an hour and a half on the phone with me. Basically, she ranted about her negative experiences with her new partner. In short, he was a selfish prick who thought he is god-king of romance and pleasure giving. I saw it a zillion kilometres away, but well, things and stuffs. Who knew that big dicks didn’t automatically translate to having explosive orgasms or that having the same beliefs didn’t automatically mean problems will be solved easily? Didn’t I say Daffodil was all smoke and mirrors? Yeah, Daffodil’s true colours started revealing themselves.

Anyway, phone calls like that were a frequent activity between us every few months. We didn’t really talk about anything else, and whenever she asked about my life, I was always hesitant, because during those two early years, whenever she asked me about my life, just the way she asked and responded, made me feel she was really just not interested and hurried me along for the ride. Like she felt she owed me something for listening to her rant. There were also a few social media blunders along the way between her and I, but that’s neither here or there. For those first three years, I didn’t particularly like where our friendship was. It felt rough and it felt like I was being used. Well, 80% used and 20% just hanging out. I guess this is how normal run-of-the-mill relationships happen.

2012 came along and the events of The Dishonest Kiss happened.

From around 2015 all the way to roughly mid 2020, I hardly saw Thalia. We spoke seldomly too. Pretty much most of the time she reached out to me was to ask me something about her websites that I maintained. We saw each other around the end of 2020, again near the end of 2021, and one more time near the end of 2022. She was super pregnant. Wearing a shirt with only one button closed, on the surface, I was absolutely calm, but on the inside, I was raging with desire. I have a massive fetish for pregnant women. Before she left, she noted my erection… I was a moron. After she left, over Whatsapp messages, I asked if I could do naughty things to/with her. She didn’t outright reject my advances. She just deflected them in a joking sort of way.

Time went on and we hardly spoke with each other, as she was super swamped with everything under the sun and then some.

Around the end of August 2023, Thalia popped into my mind very suddenly. I mean, I thought about her every now and then, but oddly, Thalia just entered my thoughts quite frequently at this time. With no particular trigger, I would be doing something mundane like a chore, or play games with my friends online, or have a voice conversation on Discord, or walk Rudi, or roll around after waking up, and Thalia would just appear in my thoughts.

After about two weeks of that, September 2023 came around and I wanted to do something special for her, within reach of what I was able to do. After a bit of brainstorming, I found a “thinking of you” card, but one that she would appreciate, because it was ‘so her’. I wasn’t sure what to put inside the card at the time, so I left it until around February 2024, where I thought I could do a mini-comic panel depicting some of the core memories I have with her. Not getting into any further details, let’s just say I reminded her of our times together.

Since then, Thalia and I have been sending quite a lot of text and voice messages through Whatsapp to each other almost daily. I tried to do a Zillion Q&A game with her, but after the second round, she told me she wasn’t interested in it. She didn’t see value in it. The reason I wanted to do a Zillion Q&A with her was because I want to get to know her all over again. The Q&A yielded discussion between us beyond the things we were talking about already. I enjoyed taking a glimpse into her psyche and enjoyed reading what she had to say. Alas, things like the Zillion Q&A isn’t for everyone. She doesn’t see the value in it, because obviously, we don’t see each other the same way. Like Keith and Thalia, we’re on two totally different pages.

Now, one very odd thing is happening between us that hadn’t happened in the past.

In the past, pre-2020, she would occasionally send me photos of herself. Sometimes, they were a bit naughty. Some other times, she showed more of her feminine side. In other times, just a few mundane photos. The last photo of her I got was her being very pregnant and taking a few shows from side to side. That was about two years ago. Then it stopped. When we started talking again, I mentioned it, and in a huff, she said she just didn’t have anymore time for that sort of thing. She sent me a few pictures afterwards, but they’re public domain so-to-speak. So I didn’t think much about it. In the past when I made mild sexual advances, mild flirting, and photo requests, she would either flirt with the idea or show me outright, but not obviously revealing. The weird thing is that the last two months of our correspondence, she has completely, literally 100% ignored all of that.

Two months ago, after doing some self reflection, I asked Thalia to set some boundaries with me, but she completely ignored that too. Then two weeks ago, I brought it up again and again, she completely ignored the question. I mentioned this to Amber and she was flabbergasted why Thalia would 100% ignore not just my advances, but also completely ignored my request for her to set boundaries with me. It makes no sense.

On one hand, I understand ignoring someone’s advances is a form of rejection. However, I’m talking about Thalia and I. She should know by now that she can be 100% honest with me and it won’t hurt my feelings, and in the chance it does, so what?! We’re friends foremost! If we can’t be honest with each other with things like this, then what’s the point then?

In short, I don’t want to ‘just get the hint’. I want Thalia to recognize Leeman as Leeman and just reject me outright if these are the things she doesn’t want.

Anyway, I’ve been struggling with that for awhile and my depression is making things worst for me lately. I haven’t told Thalia obviously. She has enough on her plate. She doesn’t need this further burden when she has to deal with other crappy things in her life.

However, I want to reveal the other half of the answer I omitted from my answer to Jon’s question on why I didn’t go after Thalia. Back a few paragraphs up, I mentioned in my answer to him, “She’s superficial. She goes for things that look good on paper.” Well, yes, all of that is true, but that answer was a mask for something deeper.

In 2003 October, I already fell in love with Thalia. In the summers of 2007 and 2008 while speaking with Jon, my feelings for Thalia were killing me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t have low self esteem. What I had, was insight and facts.

1. I was not physically attractive according to Thalia’s standards.
2. I cannot father children.
3. I do not adhere to the same faith she has.
4. She needs someone whom she can freely travel with.
5. She needs someone whom she can rely on financially.

Amber hugged me some weeks back feeling heartbroken for me. She said, “You watched as she went from one man to the next. You stood by as her friend, as she went after yours. You encouraged her to go after the things that made her happy. You supported in whatever endeavour she desired. You listened as she told you how much in love she was with your best friend Jon. You listened again, when she broke down while speaking about breaking up with Jon. You resisted the temptation of sleeping with her throughout 2012 to protect her. You love her so dearly and she doesn’t even realize it. You sacrificed your heart to protect her.”

After that long hug, where I almost cried, but didn’t, she pushed me back, stared into my eyes and with a serious tone, exclaimed, “You must tell her your feelings. It’s about time, don’t you think?”

I sighed and said nothing. I gave Amber a kiss and a hug, then went back to my room. My phone buzzed with Whatsapp notifications from Thalia. My heart fluttered quickly very suddenly, and I had to calm myself down. When it did, I took a look at Thalia’s messages and listened to them.

“In the middle of the night, all my thoughts return to you, even when I don’t want them to, especially, when I don’t want them to.”

There was a moment a few weeks ago, where I tried to give time to myself away from Thalia. So I told her I need to disappear for awhile. The first two days were brutal. Thalia popped into my head constantly. I was utterly smitten and delirious. I could not stop thinking of her. Nothing sexual – not at all. All I thought about was her face, she seeing her in person, the sound of her voice in varying stages of her day, the way her hair felt through my fingers, the way she smelled when I laid on top of her, the way her hands felt when I held them, the warmth of her body when I hugged her, the joy in her voice when she shared happiness with me…

I want to be the bestest friend she deserve to have, but I also strongly desire to pleasure her physically and romantically. I want to show her that she’s worth every effort to make love and sex pleasurable. I want to kiss her. I want to explore her. I want to hold her, adore her, worship her. I want to love her.

It got to a point in her absence, that I realized… I finally realized… I finally accepted that I need her. I need Thalia.

And it breaks my heart that yesterday, I fucked it all up. I am not saying I ever had a chance to be her side guy. I am not saying she ever alluded to wanting me or accepting my advances, but regardless, in her silence, I had hope. When she asked me playfully in a voice message, “What does Amber think will happen between us? I don’t think anything will happen between us. I don’t necessarily want anything to happen between us. I just don’t want… You know what I mean?” — I thought that was my chance to show her what I have been hiding from her for all of these years. That when we meet up, I can tell her and show her my love for her. Yet, I fucked it up yesterday.

Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I did something contrary to what I have been preaching to everyone who asked me for relationship advice. I made the major mistake of criticizing her partner in a maddeningly angry way. Basically, I told her that she deserves better, that he is such an entitled spoiled brat, a little petty man, and that his title is functional rather than personal. She sent me a voice message that is over 9 minutes long. Most of it was justification and it gave me so many different emotions. All of it negative, but I didn’t have negative emotions towards her per se. I was a mixture of…

• Irritation
• Heartbreak
• Anger
• Despair

Thalia tried to calmly defend the other half of the story, the story for Daffodil while criticizing herself for not being a good partner. What Thalia doesn’t realize is that I know her. She’s not just some random girl I briefly speak with from time to time. I know her. I know her flaws. I know her pettiness, temperament, uncommon unreasonableness, joking in the wrong times, making people feel small, and sometimes, just outright hurtful. I know those things about her. However, while it certainly can trigger negative reactions from her partner, at the end of the day, perhaps she won’t even do those things if her partner did right by her in the first place!

What irked me about the 9 minute and 30 second voice message she left me, was when she told me she has her partner’s back and her partner has her back, and she would never do anything to jeopardize that. Yet, her partner constantly jeopardizes that. Society looks at the breaking of a partnership solely due to having intimacy with someone other than your primary partner, but doesn’t look at anything else like compatibility, personality issues, escalating pettiness that has been going on for over a decade, etc. I mentioned to her in a now deleted voice message, that we make vows to each other as promises, yet the majority of people in partnerships never follow through with their vows.

…and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

Thalia’s partner DOES NOT cherish her. Period. He does everything based on what is convenient to him. He doesn’t put Thalia first. He puts himself first! She mentioned how amazing it was that her partner has this uncanny ability to bring their children together during dinner time and cook for them. Somehow, that was something awesome. It made me laugh my ass off in disbelief. She’s grasping at straws to cover for him! What he did was a novelty at best. It’s not a trait people should boast about. It’s fucking embarrassing if you have to resort to telling anyone that’s what your partner is good at!

Some year or so ago, an interviewer asked the wife of Governor Ron DeSantis an example of something he did that made him an amazing husband and father. The wife struggled to answer the question and eventually said, paraphrased, “One time, Ron picked up the kids from school. He’s such a good loving father and husband.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! WOW! RON PICKED UP HIS KIDS FROM SCHOOL!?!?!?!?!?! SO FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!

That’s the baseline for the stupid Republican Party of America.

This little interview reminded me of Thalia’s defense of her partner Daffodil. WOW! DAFFODIL COOKED FOR THE KIDS AND GATHERED THEM ALL UP AT THE TABLE?!?!?!? SO FUCKING AMAZING! WHAT A GREAT DAD!!!!

It upsets me because she is infinitely better than this, yet she resorts to this extremely low baseline level to justify how great her partner really is. She may not be an abused victim, but she certainly isn’t far from having the same mentality as a victim whose partner is somehow gold to her.

While one could argue that what I am saying here is a byproduct of my jealousy, I can tell you it’s not. Thalia is mostly a 10/10. Her partner’s character and his looks from her perspective may be a 10/10, but his personality, behaviour, entitlement, maturity are all about a 4/10. I am not jealous. I am upset that she set her bar so low to accept someone so bad for her, just because they share the same faith. The only reason Jon and Thalia broke up was because Thalia wanted a Christian husband. Jon was a non-practising Catholic. Imagine if Thalia had accepted that faith is a personal connection, and stuck with Jon, how amazing their marriage would have been. Jon is an excellent father, awesome husband, and he is not lazy. He makes six figures in income, is wholesome, loving, sexy, and least of all, a great friend and lover. Daffodil is NONE of those things, except that he makes a lot of money.

I am a third party. I see things she can’t or refuse to see. She even told me the last time we talked back in 2022, that she considered divorcing Daffodil when their kids are old enough, and I felt so sorry for her, because she has to wait 10-14 years just to divorce someone she doesn’t like. She also told me over the last few years that she has lost interest in sex with him, even remarked recently that she believes she has become asexual. Yet here we are. She’s defending someone that doesn’t deserve to be defended, and I am here apologizing because I hurt her feelings.

One last thing about the bit she said she will never jeopardize her relationship with Daffodil, is that she already did with me in 2012 with The Dishonest Kiss, fooling around with Amelia in 2008 when she was already with Daffodil, and in the recent years having an intimately emotional connection with Sophia. It’s not that Thalia won’t jeopardize her relationship with Daffodil. It’s actually because she doesn’t want to, but she does. She does, because Daffodil is selfish and self-conceited. While he might be learning these days on how to speak her language, at the end of the day, he’s still Daffodil and she’s still unhappy.

Thalia is a strong woman and I understand why she came to the defense and justification she did with Daffodil, because at the end of the day, *I* am a nobody and I have no right to criticize her partner, no matter how he is and how I felt about him. What Thalia doesn’t see, is that she has been venting about him for 12 years to me. Yesterday, when I said what I said about Daffodil, that was 12 years of listening to her, compressed, and blown out in two voice messages totalling to about 11 minutes. My anger and upset is a combination of 12 years of hurt and grief I have for Thalia.

So when she came to the defense of him, I knew my chances – my hope to express love for her has now dwindled to nothing. In the recent past, at least, I had the illusion that hope was still an achievable opportunity. Now with what she said, it cemented a rejection. I just wish she had rejected me directly in person, rather than through Whatsapp. I will still bring it up in August when she sees me, but I know it just won’t have the same impact as it might have prior to me telling her about my thoughts about her partner.

I spent the majority of my evening and morning yesterday wallowing in emotional agony. Not only am I missing an impactful chance of expressing my love to her, but I accidentally hurt her and made her upset at the same time. While she did send me something funny and lighthearted to watch right after her long message to me saying, “So to help you relax a bit…”, followed by a picture of something yummy she made for dinner, I still felt utterly destroyed.

A sudden wave of extreme sadness just came over me. Like I lost something, like I just lost her. It could be argued I never had her in the first place, but as stupid as I am, I had hope. I haven’t felt this type of sadness in a very long time. Actually, while heartbreaking, it feels nostalgic. It feels like Virginia. Except this time, the only tears I shed are the ones in my heart.

Originally, I recorded four long voice messages which basically delved into what I told her in more detail but much calmer, but I deleted them. Then I recorded another three voice messages, which I also deleted a few hours later. Then I opted to just apologize and briefly told her that I know her more than she thinks I do. I followed that up with another deleted message, and finally, a short voice message I made this afternoon when I woke up, basically telling her I’m feeling a bit depressed today and apologized to her again. Then I sent her this…

Extremely rarely, everyone who knows me knows that just never say this, but today, in grief, I said to Amber, “It’s so unfair! I should have known better than to criticize her partner. It’s one thing for her to do it, but it’s a totally different thing when I do it. I should have fucking known better! A lifetime to realize I need to confess my feelings for her, just for me to fucking screw it up.”

Thalia responded back to my apologies, saying she accepts and forgives me, but requires some time to respond to it properly. I am a bit confused as to what she needs to respond to. I’m assuming the worst. I am awaiting ‘my death sentence’. Originally, I considered telling her I need at least a year from her, to unwind my feelings for her. However, the more I accept the prediction I have made about what Thalia will say in full defense of her partner, the more at peace I have become. I no longer need a year off from her. Instead, I just need to respond with dignity and acceptance. She was my friend first. I developed feelings for her afterwards.

Thus, a lover I cannot be. So a brother I must be.