Distanced

Another dream about Thalia. The more time has passed, the greater the distance, the more dreams I’m getting about her or our situation.

We were dating, but very briefly. Something unknown happened between us and I was alone at the airport, in an army uniform waiting for my flight out.Thalia found me and held onto me briefly. She wondered what was going on. I told her we had become distant and accepted deployment somewhere. She then let go of me, wrapped her own arms around herself like she’s cold and looked away in disappointment. Oddly, our bodies had changed into other people. I was a tall tanned Asian ethnic man with short hair, and Thalia was an older worn-out lean-looking Caucasian woman with long brown hair with subtle blonde accents. I didn’t reach out to touch her, as I was sure she didn’t want to be touched due to the same reasons why we had become distant with each other. She looked disappointed and even without verbal expression, somehow, she told me I could have easily just talked her about my feelings instead of hiding them. At this point, I felt it was pointless because reflecting real life, I thought the moment she insisted she has a lot to tell me, it was in defense of her lifestyle, regardless of all of the things she had shared with me over the years.

I don’t know what happened afterwards because I woke up briefly from that segment of the dream. When I fell back asleep again, I was me, wandering a very strange version of Knightsbridge townhouses. It was night time with RGB lights shining in what seemed like random places. The yards were wide and large. Basically Knightsbridge with yards that are triple the size of the real life versions and same-size townhouses the same as in real life. Seemingly randomly one-by-one, I met with my friends like Roger, Thomas, Jon, Darren, etc. Each of them had to show me something briefly. I don’t remember what they were. However, Darren stood out a bit more. His face was more clear, probably because his wedding party was just a few weeks ago. I was at some weird place with winding stairs and was there with Ben Waters, Brandon, and some other person, when I got a notification on my phone. I saw I was getting at least 19 new messages. So I sighed and with a solemn feeling thought that the day of reckoning is finally here, expecting Thalia to finally tell me her thoughts.

When I opened WhatsApp up, I realized it was Darren in Japan sending me his travel photos. I was both relieved and annoyed. Relieved that it was something lighthearted. Annoyed that Thalia really doesn’t care about my welfare.

—

Yesterday, while Amber and I were in the kitchen, I remarked that having known me for so many years, Thalia should know by now I get major anxiety for things like this. The fact that in the past, I have expressed it prior to talking to her about the ‘us-factor’ of 2012, Thalia as of 2024 should know that when she told me a week ago she has “a lot to tell me”, and I’m still waiting a week later, means I am dealing with major anxiety from all of this. I told her a week ago, I apologize and even told her what I am apologizing for, should have been a huge blaring alarm for her to just accept the apology instead of having the need to explain anything else to me. For me, having gone through so many experiences, I have learned to just let go. For the last week, I have not sent her any messages, no Instagram forwards, and not even a peek of her social media. Basically, her excessive desire for the need to have ‘the last word’ coinciding a situation really annoys me. This is a pattern with her with every relationship she’s ever had with people she thought mattered, but what she doesn’t get is that sometimes, you just need to read between the lines with people like me, and just drop it, because I *know* already. I don’t need to know everything. I just need to know and accept the essence of our ‘issue’.

I’ve got Thalia’s back as a friend. Isn’t that enough? I’m not going to repeat the mistake, and I have obviously stepped a light year back from intimate affection since almost a week and a half ago. So why does she have this need to tell me ‘a lot’? I’m not an oblivious dumb shit. The reason I want to meet up with her and tell her stuff in person, is so I either get an honest in-person rejection or otherwise, instead of having these indirect back-and-forths.

That is why when she finally gets around in telling me all of the thoughts she has, I will simply answer with: “okay”. This might annoy her, but I already addressed this. I already stepped back. I will not make this mistake again. What else is there? I don’t need a deep understanding. I just accepted the fact she has gaslighted me all of these years, then either continue our friendship and try to rebuild that foundation, or distance myself from her which I had done a few times in my history with her.

Some people just don’t know when to quit, when to be honest, and least of all, when to let go.