Anxiety is debilitating.

Twice now – 5 weeks ago for 3.5 days, then two days ago for a full 1.5 days. Anxiety came as a hammer, followed by intense depression. The trigger for the one that happened two days ago was that my right nostril suddenly felt clear unobstructed air go into the nose, and immediately, my brain thought I had ENS. Such stupidity that my brain gets played such a major trick and no matter what I say to it, read up about, and clearly explain that ENS cannot happen to someone with me without the associated reasons, my brain just won’t accept it.

So I went to bed for most of the 1.5 days and dealt with critical anxiety that gave me insomnia for all of that. Though I did manage about 30 minutes of total sleep somehow, broken up into 3 segments. I was able to finally get some relief passing the 1.5 day mark with about 30 minutes of extra sleep, but the times are a bit awry. I got in touch with my family doctor yesterday and he gave me three options.

  1. Stick with 15mg Mirtazapine, and add an anxiety killer on top of it.
  2. Up the dose of Mirtazapine to 30mg, and add a sleep aid that has anti-anxiety effects at 1.o mg which can be snapped in two to be taken when needed.
  3. Replace Mirtazapine with something completely different.

I opted for #2. I also asked to be referred to a psychologist. I asked for Richmond Intake.

The problem with Canada’s mental health program, is that it’s fragmented and it’s super inefficient. In Germany, if you want mental health, you get it within one week and you have many different choices to help you, all of it paid within its universal health. Canada’s health care is barely better than the USA, and it’s still dozens of times worst than Germany’s. In Germany, they understand that healthy individuals contribute better to the stability to the nation. In Canada, it feels like it tries to be like the USA, but marginally better, and the overall attitude in the USA and in Canada, is that people believe individuals should be responsible for themselves, completely voiding the fact that unhealthy individuals mean more turmoil on the health of the nation, thus, even more burden on the nation’s stability as a whole.

Regardless, I will also look into CBT for anxiety and will bring up my phobia with ENS with the psychologist when I see them.

I know my issues has to do with breathing and I know my trigger or triggers are illogical. Now, I just need to convince my brain I don’t have what I read. Doom Scrolling is what someone pointed out the internet is for those with health issues.

I hope and wish that my mind gets to become pre-Covid again. With acknowledgement, medical aid, and self empowerment, let’s make that sooner than later. I already learned that life is not to be taken lightly and to cherish more of it, than just simply be aware.

Amber has been exceptionally brave these days. She is going through worst for so many years, and Andy has gone through his own. I know various people debilitating anxiety and depression, as well as other mental disorders. All of it is relatively new. So to feel a piece of what they all have felt for so long, breaks my heart. I wish the cure is at hand, rather than a bandage to treat the symptoms.

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