Every day

Every day I am worried sick that my most stable client will pull the plug on our business arrangement. I charge her very little comparatively to my other work, but she has been the most stable client for the last year. Without her pay cheque, I wouldn’t have been able to make it this far. I think it could be said it was by fluke I received this contract with her for the last 12 months, but at the same time, I could also say that it’s by the will of the Heavens that I received such luck.

I hope that my most stable client will at least employ me for one more year. No “buts”. I just need her to employ me for another year. I know that her own business isn’t good, but I’m already trying my best to build up her business. She needs a sales person because she herself isn’t a good business person and I’m basically the ‘tool maker’.

There are so many ailments in my life that make me worry on a daily basis like my health, Amber’s immigration and income. I try to tell myself that I shouldn’t think about them and leave it to when the time actually comes to face them, but I cannot help it.

I am worried that Amber and my relationship being long distance and haven’t seen each other in person for over two years becomes a problem, even though we met each other in person on two different occasions spanning four weeks. Even though we’ve had this romantic relationship for over five years with a lot of evidence to support our relationship, I fear that the Visa Officer will be a douche bag and demand Amber go to Vienna for an interview and/or just deny her application. All of this cost time and money. Time and money that I really don’t have much of.

I am worried about my health. This on-and-off pain in the upper right side of my abdomen that no blood test, stool sample, urine test, x-ray, CT scan and ultrasound has detected any problems. I worry that it’s my fatty liver dying on me. I worry that it has something to do with my colon like cancer. I worry that it could be my pancreas, spleen or kidneys. Maybe it’s my bladder or stomach. I don’t know and it hurts.

This year’s income was good enough from many different places, but next year’s income seems grim. Let’s just hope that my most stable client will continue to employ me for the next year and let’s hope that my health will improve. Just as well, I really hope Amber’s permanent resident application gets approved and comes here next year. I really need her and I really need to start the next milestone of our life together. It has been too long that we are apart and too long that I feel sick of worry.