Lost But Won

A few days ago, I watched a movie called “Rush” focused on two particular F1 racers: James Hunt and Nicki Lauda.

At first, I wasn’t too impressed, though I was awed by the racing itself. It reminded me of when I was a teenager and I fantasized about being a motorcycle racer. I was in love with the idea of two fat wheels held together by a slick body, steered by a man who was one with the machine. I knew it was dangerous, but that wasn’t something I was worried about. I think I could have worried about it, if race day came, but I never made it that far. I looked into some programs loosely, even looked at what motorcycle courses cost, but ultimately did nothing about it. My parents convinced me that with the blindness of my right eye, it was not worth risking the lost of my other.

My right eye became mostly blind because a van hit me at an intersection, while I rode my cycling bike on the first day of school. Due to that, a lot of things in my life changed. I could not properly play the sports I used to love like badminton, softball, floor hockey and 21. That, along with my KS issue, my outlook in life changed. I was more bold, but as time went on, that boldness could not hide the growing fact of my social anxiety. I was both a loser and a winner. I lost myself in the fragmentation of my desires, but won clarity in my later years. The problem unfortunately is that I am dirt poor right now and struggling a great deal to pick myself up.

I said the movie didn’t impress me initially, but since then, I have watched bits and pieces of it dozens of times, especially when Niki Lauda first met Marlene, the beginning when Niki was explaining how he was chasing James Hunt like an asshole, the ending race where James was apologetic and devastated, but found out he actually won and then the end scene between James and Niki. The movie became an inspiration for me.