Ch1: Voices – September 28, 1997

It has been some while since I did any journal entries, one thing is for sure; I bled out what was there and now only skin remains. Like a meatless shell floating in a pond full of life.

I feel sick, not mentally, literally sick. Since Saturday morning, I had a cold, and a violent heat-wave on my forehead; but now it is okay; it’s just a common cold. It’s funny, that this has a deeper meaning than what is said, but for me to explain is like asking yourself, “Which one came first? Chicken or the egg?”

I feel cold, and numb. Like a frostbite on a frostbite. Well?

I have a school mate, a friend to her, but for me, a sadness better left behind . . . I know this sound’s mean, but hope is so useless for something she cannot see or do. This is important. She wants to die and so her life would end, because of a minor problem, a sorrowful ending to something she valued. She lost a good friend, because that good friend wasn’t as good as she thought. She lost a loving boyfriend, because that loving boyfriend only used her for physical pleasure. She lost herself; thus trusting no one, because mind has been stolen by those she trusted. She is young, there are still many years ahead.

She angrily commented, “So you now think I’m boring to talk to, and that I should just leave you alone? Why do you ignore me in school?”.

Anyway, the chat lasted for two hours on the damn phone between 10am to 12pm. I was dead tired, it was Saturday!!!

I have to remind myself everyday of my conscious life that “I love school” in which obviously “I hate school” It is school tomorrow, again. I will always be the student, and never be the teacher. I am an old man stuck in the body of an eighteen year old, acting upon a child’s program in which I wish not.

I am at the moment listening to =Fido=, a tune I composed for a music compo coming this Winter; and drinking bitter herbal medicine, to ‘cure’ my cold. I love my music, and I love the supernatural. I am deeply in love with those two. They are my life… They are there for me to ponder on, and help me discover my true nature in this unnatural world.

“I was born in a sea of information.” -excerpt from Ghost in the Shell

I love music. No, “love” is not the word to even describe my super positive emotions for music. If I ever become deaf, I would kill myself.

You know… I can embed someone’s mind with knowledge used in minds of sages and mages, and make people feel the deeper imagination of their mind; but at the same time, I could kill someone with it. This scares me.

FIDO!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I’ve been listening to it for over an hour… Damn it! It’s a 1 minute tune, yet it has been an hour!! It is 12:04am, Monday September 29, 1997.

My grandfather died in January 1990 or 1991, on the 29th. My dad was crying downstairs on that day. It was 11:00pm here in Richmond, and my grandfather had intestinal cancer, in great pain. I cried too, but went to school the next day, no mourning for him. I was brought up a traditional way. Go ahead stick a knife into my leg, I know it will hurt really bad, but I am made to withstand mental pain, or actually to suppress mental pain. It hurts, but it’s okay.

Pothead… Have you seen that Pothead commercial?

A faery tale to be told in full. Mount Fuji, bullet train. Kendo, katana, wakazashi, karate. Rice and tofu. Fish and saki. Tea and autumn leaves. Chopsticks and soup. Onions and Kyoto Castle. Serenity and the old.

Listen to your images…

I am at home, sick, … … My Math Work book is humongous!!! Okay this will be my final year at Cambie… Though it was Cambie who initiated my inner pain for a reason which even myself isn’t too familiar, actually hell… I don’t know why I was so fudding depressed!! I will still miss Cambie, because it initiated my pain. To release a form in which I have only imagined to myself for a long time. Isn’t it ironic?

This water is bad. Damn it! I am admitting to myself right now. I am scared of myself. I know I am physically incapable of doing any or much harm, but I know that I am capable of mentally kill someone, well the typical anyone, that includes me. Though I am not the typical person, I am someone who is myself. To make an explanation short, I don’t know myself, I do not understand myself. I wake up in the morning every day feeling something missing, or something from my mind that got lost somewhere. Think of me as crazy or mentally disoriented, but I feel that my love for music and obsession of sound has something to do with my dreams, and that because of music, my personal aura, or in simpler terms – my soul; parts of it, very tiny bit of it leaves my body, okay forget it… I will explain in full terms…….

When I said that scientists believe in theory, that humans use only less than 1% of our brains. I believe in theory that I use almost 1% of my brain. Why? Maybe because that more than average percentile of usage has been reserved for music, a compartment for sound… a place where my higher thinking is being applied. I think that every time I sleep, and then wake up, a very tiny bit of my soul or conscious mind left my working consciousness and wandered into that portion of the thinking cap. Maybe it’s the sub-consciousness, but it feels more real then awake, more dreamy then sleep, and more perspective than centered.

“Aya!”, I exclaimed… 8) … It’s 10:24am!!!!!!!!!!!! And it’s Tuesday!!!!!!!!Wait didn’t this journal start on Sunday??!??!? Anyways, I just completed FIDO, and now listening to the full version of FIDO, also known as “Almost Pure Harmony”. I’m sleepy, but I will go to school at 12:00pm… I slept till 10:00am this morning, a total of 4.5 hours of sleep!! “Wow”, I whispered quietly, and thought: What an achievement. I laughed silently.

Remember, I do not take anything in existence and non-linear existence for granted. What makes a black and white photo so beautiful? Because, it isn’t really black and white.

-LC “My life is like a Haiku.”